Friday, January 13, 2006

The Dating Game

Where do I start? Well, it's relatively hard to describe how I feel now. My heart is heavy, like a sinking ship, immersed in the icy, cruel water of winter. It is pierced with hopelessness and despair as far as becoming warm and fiery again. It all started back a long time ago. I met a woman and she seemed like the world to me. She kept my heart afloat and adrift on the sea of love. She was so wonderful and she aspired to me and loved me deeply. My heart was stoked like a bellows and it really was the White Fire for me. We loved each other, and we were both lost in love over each other. She saw things in me that no one saw. I, too, saw things in her and the romance was there. Well, that was a time ago, but now, my heart is sending out an SOS, because it is sinking deep in the fathom of darkness, under the icy sheets of bitterness and anger. She has forsaken me, and I am left alone in the dark, where there is no light or fire, only sightlessness and despair. Who knows what will happen when I hit the bottom. I just know that the abyss of my heart is growing deeper and the bottom is not there. I am so alone in this deep, cold sea, where there is no warmth. I can't see the top and I am here alone. No one understands how deep I've drowned. It is not love I'm drowning in. It is sorrow. My tears don't even compare to the power of the deep blue sea, for they are invisible to the world, but my soul weeps aloud inside, yearing for someone to rescue me and help me out of the troubled waters of loneliness. Where is she? Where has she gone? Please rescue my heart and the drowning of my tears. After all your heart has given to others, where have they all gone, when it is your heart that needs rescued? They have all forsaken me! I am left here to taste the bitterness of this deep, blue sea of despair, where there is not warmth for a fire. The only voice I hear must be God. "And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters." Does that mean that I will eventually see light? Does that mean that I will rise up from the depths? God knows me in the deep, but I don't know myself or where she is. Will He find her for me? Oh, my soul, I am so incomplete without her.
That is pretty much how life goes though, heh, when you are viewed upon as indiffirent, unconventional and weird. I don't fit well into groups, and I have a hard time finding the perfect match. Believe you me, I know that I'm straight and that my aspirations are to spend my life with that ideal woman; however, as I age and get older, my heart is failing. It's losing hope in destiny. Does God want me alone? He alone knows what's best for me. Recently, I signed up on eHarmony.com with some enthusiasm, that the empty chasms of my heart would be filled with joy again. It wasn't:
"eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants to fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.

We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time." [source: eHarmony.com Database]
That message was a knife to me. Reading it basically made me feel worthless like a hard-luck case. I don't know what to make of it anymore. I've tried various dating services and I don't know how to overcome the feeling of emptiness and loneliness inside. It is so hard for me to find the right one, and I thought at one time I did find the right one. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW I FEEL! NO ONE!
Everyone, seemingly, has no problem finding the right one fpr themselves. A plain ol' date would be even nice, but I can't even manage to pull that one off. I feel like an utter loser. It's awful and I feel crushed everytime when I see other people happy with their significant others. I get angry and bitter and, on top of that, MORE ALONE than ever! Ack! I don't know anymore. Maybe I need to go to dating school, because obviously, I'm doing something wrong.

4 Comments:

Blogger Rambling Rose said...

You have shown great courage to write about your unhappiness Eric.
You are not the only one who has been unable to find a soul mate. I am sure there are many who are still on their own, myself included. Stay positive but don't dwell on it would seem like the answer, something I try to do...

12:14 PM  
Blogger eric said...

Thank you, Rosemary. It's just hard. I literally was in tears last week due to the pressure of it at work. Everyone at my work seemingly has someone to "go out" with and it just pangs me that I don't feel included with the lot.

9:53 AM  
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